The Art of Saying No: Setting Boundaries
Updated: Mar 4
Why is saying “no” so hard?
“No.” Two letters and one of the most basic words even a toddler will know. Yet it’s so difficult to say for a lot of us because of how negative it comes across. We worry that saying no makes us selfish, unhelpful, or disappointing. Agreeing with people eliminates the risk of conflict, so a quick “yes” feels like the easiest alternative to a drawn-out argument. Some people have even grown up watching their own loved ones struggle to say no, so the habit continues with them.
But why should I say it?
Being able to understand and express your emotions and opinions are important aspects of healthy emotional development. For example, perhaps you were invited to a friend’s birthday party that would last the full day, but you have a midterm the next day. Being a homebody, you rarely go out anyway, so you worry that your friend will become annoyed that you’re declining an invitation to meet up again. At the same time, you know that attending the party will cause you to stay up late to study and develop a headache during your test. Times like these teach us that saying no can be a way of standing up for ourselves.
In worse situations, not being able to set boundaries can leave people susceptible to abusive behaviors. Keep in mind that it is not the victim’s fault that they are suffering from abuse, but learning to set boundaries is a useful skill that may decrease the likelihood of others taking advantage of them. It can be a turning point to identifying healthier interpersonal relationships and is a key part of respecting yourself.
When should I say “no”?
Setting boundaries is important when you encounter a situation that compromises your values or your health. If you are feeling overwhelmed or have a lot on your plate, maybe you need to turn a couple of opportunities down. If you feel uncomfortable talking about a certain topic, it’s okay to take a step back and communicate that it’s a difficult subject for you. To best figure out what boundaries you may need to set, start with some self-reflection. What things do you value in life, and what are absolute dealbreakers for you? What drains you? What are your priorities—rank them? What are major causes of conflict between you and others? They’re big questions, but a little bit of journaling could help you break it all down.
How do I actually do it?
A great way to start setting boundaries is using the sandwich method. Since avoiding saying “no” often stems from a fear of conflict, sandwiching the . That way, the positive comments provide a cushion effect at the beginning and end of the conversation, lessening the perceived negativity of the refusal. For example, you could send your friend from earlier a heartfelt birthday message that contains the sad news that you cannot attend their party, but you suggest another time for the two of you to catch up. Here, you are taking care of your own health while also making sure that your friend knows that you’re not devaluing your friendship. Don’t forget to be genuine and honest, though, because it’s both less emotionally draining for you and establishes deeper trust between you and the other person. Setting boundaries is more than just saying “no;” it’s establishing what each person is comfortable with and giving each other respect.
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