• Niyati Singh

My Story of Mental Health

Written by Niyati Singh

When the blanket of darkness envelops you, you cry, you try, but life continues. Tears roll down from the mountain of feelings, the one part of the body that can't lie, the eye. Rough patches have been the way of my life for a long time. But, what happens when someone you trust the most or your own family tries to pierce those rough patches? You fail, I failed and life went down the hill. Endless hours of crying, what gave peace before was now merely able to provide 30% comfort. Life was failing and, so was I.

The absurd things people said affected me. Their behavior towards me hurt me. And here I was in the washroom, trying not to let my pain come out as a roar. But, for each sacrifice you make, you have to repay it in a wirier manner. And so I had to take out my anger. I clenched my fist, closed my eyes, and let those stress lines appear on my forehead. I pulled my fist from my lap and awarded myself a tight and hard blow on my skull. It pained and that calmed me for a moment. But, before that pain could bury my anger, I hit myself once again. The pain was unbearable, but it calmed me. That day was the first of many days when I had knocked myself out.

Life became as volatile as camphor. I was not myself anymore. But, people who knew me from the time I was in my Mom's tummy failed to understand me and kept walking on all my pain and scars. Gradually those blows on my head didn't provide comfort anymore. And so now my anger needed a channel, a way to come out and, so it came out on people who have failed me.

But, where I come from, mental health is not a thing. And so, everyone ignored the signs. The hormonal imbalance was the reason, they thought. But they were wrong. I was hurt and lost. I knew I had to find a way to fight this, to walk to the brighter side and to slip out of the blanket of darkness.

I approached my school counselor for help and she did provide me. She helped me, listened to me. And I think when life goes downhill, all you need is a stranger to listen to you. I won't say I'm all okay now. There are still days when people's silence kills me. It still hurts when people walk over my scars and it hurts when people dismiss me as if I have been pulling a masquerade.

The biggest lesson from this journey has been not to hurt me because it causes more harm in the long term. People hurt you in ways you never thought. Maybe they hurt you so deep that the scars they give are the reason for nightmares. It's hard to erase these pains and horrors. But, what is easy is to look forward and walk with head high. Therapy and counseling were my support when I was losing myself.

I will have those bad memories engraved for a lifetime now, but what I know is that I won't give myself pain as I have given before. I will walk out of the pain and channel my anger in a way that is better than engrossing myself in pain. There are still days when I can't calm myself, but I calm myself down.

Asking for help is what helped me. Keeping my head high and walking as if I have survived a war is my go-to calmness. Because believe me or not, fighting your mental health battle is a war in itself.

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